Are you listening?

The ability to listen effectively is much underrated, especially in the workplace. By this I mean not to just hear what is said but to sense and understand what lies behind the words.

All too often people miss the signs of underlying issues. It’s easy to do. For example, whilst being a Member of Parliament I learnt during constituency surgeries that I needed to do more than listen attentively if I was to truly understand what was really troubling my constituent. Often the stated problem, was not the real issue. There would be another underlying problem which needed to be teased out. Asking the right questions matters, but sometimes body language and eye contact would provide more information than the words spoken.

For example, one young couple came to me, because they were behind in their rent. However, the behaviour and lack of eye contact from the young woman led me to probe further. I sensed there was something she did not want to share. What emerged slowly was that she had run up considerable credit card debt, without her partner’s knowledge. I was able to help them, but it taught me the importance of being completely attentive to what I was hearing, seeing and feeling, when ‘listening’.

In business, effective listening matters, not least because so much of our communication is aural. In meetings, in person and online, many of the decisions we take are based on what we’ve heard, or think we’ve heard. Equally, people are often the most important asset in any business organisation. The ability to manage them rests on understanding what they are saying and feeling – in other words using one’s emotional intelligence.

During lockdown most meetings have been held online, where being able to read someone’s body language or sense their true feelings is very limited. I noticed I initially found these online meetings draining. Other coaches I spoke to agreed and whilst I have no empirical evidence, I suspect that subconsciously our wider senses had been trying and failing to function, before adjusting to the online format. I certainly find coaching in person far more instructive and fulfilling.

the essence of empathy

Daniel Goleman*, a pioneer in exploring emotional intelligence, refers to the importance of ‘sensing what others feel without their saying’ as being the essence of empathy. The tone of voice, facial expressions or mannerisms often provide good clues to someone’s underlying feelings. These may not tally with the words spoken, or may underscore them. Either way, being able to listen, see and sense what someone is saying is vital to good leadership.

Sadly, some leaders are ‘tone deaf’ in this regard. In both politics and business, I have encountered leaders who are ‘on transmit’ – focused on themselves and their message and unable to sense how others feel about them or that message. They can get results, but there is often a high cost, in staff turnover for example. I can think of several MPs whose staff come and go with alarming regularity.

So, what makes a good listener?

The first step is giving the sense that one is open to listening. This is more than having an ‘open door’ policy. Its how we conduct ourselves whenever people ask to speak with us. It requires us to give our full attention to that conversation, not to be thinking about other things.

Being able to focus can be difficult, especially in a busy day of meetings. Different tools can be deployed to help clear the mind of other problems, and to becoming truly ‘present’ for the forthcoming conversation.

However, to become a really good listener requires both self-awareness and empathy. After all, we can’t expect to recognise others’ unspoken feelings if we aren’t in tune with our own.

Self awareness requires us to know our own inner resources, our abilities and our limitations. This means being open to candid feedback. However, it also means being aware of how we feel in different situations, or with different people. Developing this awareness is not easy, as I have found with several coachees. However once people attune, they find the process rewarding and insightful.

an invaluable skill

Daniel Goleman describes this as developing a social ‘radar’ and armed with it, we are then able to sense other people’s feelings and read the nonverbal signs in conversations. This in turn allows us to respond empathetically. It may require us to see things from their perspective, or to recognise that their emotional response needs addressing, perhaps in a way we had not anticipated.

This is not, as some former (mostly male) political colleagues have said to me, ‘backing down’ or letting emotion ‘get in the way’. Its about be able to put our own emotional agenda aside so that we can clearly understand the signals we are getting and how best to respond. Emotions are part of the equation and learning how to understand them in others and how to respond leads to better outcomes. Good negotiators know this, as do the best leaders.

Good listening is a skill. It requires learning not just to listen attentively to the words, but also to sense what is not said. It takes time to attune, not least to oneself, but once developed this skill is invaluable.

*Daniel Goleman Ph.D is a psychologist, author and science journalist. He has written several books on emotional intelligence and related issues. He was an early pioneer in the field.