Are you avoiding confrontation?
If you hate conflict at work, you’re not alone. Many senior executives will often avoid what they fear will be an emotionally charged dispute or meeting. Quite often displacement activity will be employed – not least involving third parties – when they really need to grasp the nettle.
Quite often the thorny issue is about other people – telling them off, moving them or not promoting them. These are all awkward problems, but allowing the issue to go unresolved often creates more problems.
I have seen large organisations fail to tackle the underachievers, and then see their best people leave, having lost patience. I’ve seen directors set up all kinds of reviews, just to avoid having a frank conversation with a difficult CEO. I’ve also seen senior public sector leaders agreeing to changes, because it’s easier than having to confront certain groups of workers.
In each case those involved told themselves that they’ve taken the right path. They argue that a direct approach wouldn’t be productive or might have created greater disruption. They think they know how the other party would react and that assumption justifies a ‘different’ approach.
This attempt to rationalise avoidance of confrontation may stem from different concerns – sometimes fear of losing control, or a desire to remain on friendly terms with colleagues. In truth we’ve all been there, but all too often our inaction or diversionary tactics just store up more problems.
So how can we ensure that we aren’t just avoiding a difficult conversation, for the wrong reasons?
It’s an issue which I encounter with a wide range of coachee clients. It often emerges when considering other issues, and is rarely admitted to early on.
Know thyself
The first challenge is for the coachee to become more self-aware. Coaching works well in helping people reflect on why they do what they do. Becoming aware that their own worries are affecting their preparedness to act can take time. I recall one coachee citing all kinds of reasons why they had not addressed what they’d said was their greatest concern. Yet after each reason it was clear there still something else, left unspoken. So I persisted, wearily asking ‘and what else?’ until, after a long pause, came the halting admission that ‘I just can’t face telling him…’
Once we crossed that point, it was then possible to examine the pros and cons objectively, both of action and in action. However, it first needed that recognition of their own feelings.
What’s their view?
The second element to this problem lies in being able to understand other people’s perspectives. If we are to resolve problems with other people we need to better understand their perspective.
I find several coaching techniques - notably certain Gestalt tools - helpful in putting the coachee in the ‘place’ of that other person and exploring how they see the issue, their respective colleagues and even what they might think of the coachee. Often its quite revealing, sometimes because they suddenly realise they don’t really know the person.
Be Aware
Armed with greater emotional awareness coachees are then able to address how they might communicate with the person or group. Being able to talk it through beforehand allows the coachee to think things through and to move beyond a general anxiety towards a workable plan of action.
It may be that they first need to get to know the person in question better. It may be working out a step-by-step plan for how a dialogue might unfold. What underlies it all is the need for greater awareness – self-awareness as well as having the emotional intelligence to be able to engage with all colleagues, even in the most difficult of circumstances.
I have coached or mentored several senior business leaders on this issue and would be pleased to see if I can help you. Go to ‘How I coach’ for more about my approach and my contact details.
